Kristi Lynn's 50th

 My 50th

It’s late at night…actually early morning. And I can’t stop thinking about things. So many thoughts have been clouding my head and I decided it was time to write.

 

I am planning my 50^th birthday party for the end of March. Almost every time it comes to mind I am reminded of Cherie’s 50^th.  She wanted to make such a big deal of it. There were so many things that had to be “just right”. She definitely wanted lights strung everywhere. She wanted all her friends there and she wanted all of them to feel welcome. With so many ideas, and a very limited budget, we decided that a potluck at the park would be the best option. We planned the party a little later in May so my kids would be home from college…Cherie wanted my oldest son and my daughter to sing together for the background music. She loved their voices and wanted to share them with all her friends. She was also counting on the sound system expertise of my second son to make it all happen! Well, it all happened and it was a wonderful night for her! And then, 6 months later, we found out she would only be 51 when she would pass from this life on earth.

Yesterday, I was at my parents’ house, and my dad pointed out that Linda Bale had dropped off the jars and candles that were used for Cherie’s 50^th birthday party. They were for me to take home and use for my own 50^th birthday party. I was numb when I looked at the boxes. I loaded them in my car and thought nothing of it. Now that I’m actually planning my own party, I find myself not wanting to open those boxes! Every gesture of pulling them from the boxes will pull at my heartstrings as I think of how important those jars of light were to Cherie.

 

And now I find myself wanting to plan my own 50^th party, with the best music, the best food, and all of my friends! I understand how important it was to her because now it’s important to me! When I look back at that celebration, I can only hope that she felt special on that day because she would only have one more birthday to celebrate on earth. I hoped that her 50^th was as special as she had wanted it to be.

 

I realized yesterday that there are two things at work in my heart and mind:

 

1).  I will be turning 50 at the end of March, just as my sister did 3 years ago. She was already having symptoms of her cancer.

2). My best friend has breast cancer… and today I realized, when she texted me how she’s losing clumps of her hair because of her treatment, that I am not really that far removed from my sister’s life in 2018, 3 years ago, when she learned of her own cancer.

 

I’ve been helping my parents decorate their new home. Every time I really think about it, I laugh. Cherie was the decorator…and she definitely would let us all know if she thought something looked horrible! Sometimes I wonder what Cherie would think of the choices we have made to decorate mom and dad’s new place. I’m sure she would have many words for the things we have chosen…maybe good, maybe bad. It doesn’t matter now, but I sure do wonder! I find myself asking in my head, “Would Cherie think this is the best thing to decorate mom and dad’s new place?” Usually the answer is no. I just can’t seem to find that excellent piece of art that my parents and Cherie would love every time they looked at it. But, when I think about it, I know that the perfect piece will reveal itself when I remind myself that Cherie doesn’t have to approve anymore. That is scary, but real. Her taste was unique, but true to herself. I want my mom and dad to find that perfect piece that will touch their hearts every time they look at it. I want them to love what they hang on their walls, just as Cherie did, in every way.

 

Now that my best friend has cancer and is going through treatment, I remember, almost daily, that many things in this life just don’t matter. I want my friend to live life and love it. I don’t care if the neighbor dog behind us is barking or if my car needs a wash or even if my mascara is smeared. In fact, I really don’t care what kind of food I serve at my 50^th, as long as she can be there. I’m trying to make it special because I know Cherie would have wanted it that way, but I find that I’m trying to make it special just to spend some precious moments with my friend, next to the jars of light that were at Cherie’s 50^th birthday.

The Yard Sale...and friends

 

November 29, 2020

 

The Yard Sale and friends

 

I never understood why Cherie didn’t want to spend her last Thanksgiving with me in 2018. She had told me she decided not to join the family. I still don’t know what she did for Thanksgiving that year, but I remember telling her that she needed to come to Thanksgiving with our family and mom and dad because “what if this would be mom or dad’s last Thanksgiving with us?!” I begged her to join our family in Phoenix, but she had made up her mind. Looking back, I strongly believe that the cancer (which she didn’t know she had yet) was affecting her brain and decisions she was making. It was shortly after Thanksgiving 2018 that I got a call from my dad at 2:00am, saying that Cherie had a mass in her colon. I was overwhelmed, thinking it wasn’t mom and dad that wouldn’t experience another Thanksgiving with our family…it was Cherie. Her death on October 18, 2019, cut her short of spending another Thanksgiving with me and my family. Her absence was noticeable…she was the table decorator. She would use her pressed fall leaves from previous years and whatever beautiful Fall decorations she had stored away to decorate our table each Thanksgiving we were together. I was busy in the kitchen, preparing food. Cherie’s most important task each Thanksgiving day was to make the table beautiful. Last Thanksgiving, the one right after Cherie’s passing, we all noticed the absence of her thoughtful decorations. This year, my daughter, Cosette, filled her shoes and prepared a beautiful table for us to enjoy our meal. It warmed my heart.

 

Many of you know that my parents have moved and are selling their house they’ve lived in for almost 30 years. Selling their house meant selling Cherie’s cottage, which many have visited through the years. You’ve seen her beautiful household decorations that spoke of her creativity and her personality. Her “cottage” was so charming. The reality of clearing it out, selling most of her belongings, was not real until a couple of weeks ago when my parents had their “moving sale”. I watched, mostly numb, as her household dishes, hat boxes, and decorative wall hangings disappeared, passed on to a happy buyer, to become part of a new home. My parents had to go through 30 years of their own belongings, as well. Many items went into the yard sale. Many of those items invoked vivid memories in my mind. There were bedspreads Cherie and I had used through the years, cameras that had belonged to my grandparents at one point, a giant pot used for canning through the years, many tools of my dad’s, an old stereo of Cherie’s, some of her hat boxes, and various items from her cottage. I had to remove myself from my feelings, from my many memories that ran through my head with certain items for sale on the tables before me. I was strong enough to make it through that day with only a few tears. The emotions were overwhelming.

 

The best thing about that day was watching my parents’ friends. Most are in their 70’s. Many had shown up to help at the yard sale. Some put signs out, others helped with taking money, still others were there for moral support. These friends that gave so much of their time for my parents were inspiring for my heart. They were there at 6am, with smiling faces and coffee in hand. These were couples that had been a part of the Gray family for more than 40 years. They were true friends of my parents. They have all loved and supported each other through the years. My husband and I have been witnesses of watching my parents’ friends come beside them these last 2 years, even for the yard sale! My heart was warmed. Watching their love for one another brought specific friends of my husband and mine to mind, giving me a sense of hope because of a strong bond that has developed with so many through our years. As their faces enveloped my mind, I knew EXACTLY who would be there for us in our old age, through thick and thin and trying times that may lie ahead of our years on this earth. The beauty of God’s people coming together to form life long friendships was something that struck me on that yard sale day. I thanked God for those He has placed in our lives that will continue to be a shoulder to lean on and, perhaps, an early riser at our future yard sale, when we are having to downsize in our later years.

 

The family of God and the friends that He gives us are a testimony to His everlasting kindness and undeserved blessings in our lives. The example set by my parents’ friends has been meaningful, causing me to look ahead and praise our God for the friends he has given the Kinney family that have been, and will be, at our side for many years to come.

 

To the lifelong friends that are true and loving encouragers to my parents…Thank you. Your example in the real ways that you love them has been evident in so many ways. Thank you for giving of your lives, your time, your laughter and your tears. These things will live on. Your support has been encouraging in ways that will affect the life of my own family and close friends for many years to come.

Calendar Year

Calendar Year

 

Last January, when I bought my 2020 old fashioned paper Calendar, I sat down to transfer dates of birthdays, write new events, and reminisce on the events from 2019. It takes just a short amount of time to look at last year’s birthdays and gatherings of all different sorts, but I always do it alone, when it’s just me. My paper calendar becomes a personal reflection of how God has worked in my life the previous year. I find myself laughing, sighing and remembering.

 

This time, I took a deep breath when I turned the calendar to May. It seems just like a few months ago that we celebrated Cherie’s 50^th birthday. This past May would have been 52. When she passed she was 51 years young. What will my life look like at 51? I continued along in my calendar, flipping each page to another month. June 2019 was such a full month, so much going on with the wedding and graduations. I started counting…how many more months did Cherie have on earth after June of 2019? The answer is 3 and ½ months. It was impossible to know last June how much longer Cherie would be with us, but she made it through all of the hot summer and into the Fall, her most cherished time of the year. When I turned the pages to October I began to recount the last week of her life. It’s that last week that always gets me in the heart, makes me breathe deep, sigh, and start writing on the square of October 18^th:  CHERIE’S DEATH ONE YEAR AGO. The words were surreal. That day I wondered what it would be like for me and mom and dad on the first anniversary of her death. No words.

 

In May of this year we spread her ashes and tears were shed. I missed her, the old Cherie, the one that wasn’t sick and in pain. There was a sense of finality, just as I felt the day of her death. I decided not to write the spreading of the ashes on my calendar. That will be a moment I keep in my heart, not on paper.

 

Today was the Lord’s Day. It was also the first anniversary of Cherie’s death. Most importantly, though, it was the Lord’s Day; a day set aside to worship our Maker, the Giver of Life. Today would have been way different if it wasn’t Sunday. Today I got to cry on the shoulders of friends because we were together at church. And today, as I sang songs of praise to God, hope was present. In His timing, the first anniversary of Cherie’s death was on a Sunday. That was truly a gift from God. On a day when my heart is heavy, God is faithful. As the tears fell, I was singing. It was a good place to be.

 

July 2020 late night thoughts

July 12, 2020

This time last year I remember my parents dropped off Cherie at a cabin up in northern Arizona. Kids camp had been in late June last summer and it was a difficult time for Cherie. I think that this time last summer was when she had to come to grips with the fact that she was dying. She hadn’t had any time to herself to grieve her own inevitable death in the next few months.

Mom and Dad had planned a trip to Greer, AZ. They dropped Cherie off at the cabin, along with her dog, Gracie. This was the first time Cherie had been alone for an extended amount of time before we found out about her cancer. She had just received her papers to legally pursue medical marijuana, if she so desired. I think it was all soaking in and she needed the time at the cabin to process her earthly life. I remember Cherie telling me that she cried for 2 days straight while she was alone. After her passing, I found notes that she had written, with questions about her cancer and what death would look like for her. She did not know what kind of peril was before her, but I do know that it was evident that she rested in her Heavenly Father to take care of her. She had many lifelong dreams that she decided to let go of in July of 2019. Her 2 days alone, knowing that death was inevitable within the next few months, were vital to her acceptance of her understanding the Father’s love for her, no matter what. After her 2 days alone, several friends joined her at the cabin and cooked for her, brought her healthy snacks, and loved on her. This was very important to her. She loved spending time with these friends that made her feel so special. If you are reading this and you were one of the ones that spent time with Cherie at the cabin last summer…thank you. After Cherie’s passing, I got to meet the family that owned that cabin. I didn’t get to thank them for all those years they opened that cabin to my sister. I knew they had felt loss of their own in the past. Saying words of thank you was too much for me at that time since I knew the deep loss they had experienced. But now, I wish to thank that family for giving respite to Cherie each summer. She loved the pines and she loved that cabin. And last summer, she got to bring Gracie, her faithful companion, with her to the cabin. If you are reading this, sweet family that owns that cabin…thank you.

Looking back, I see that July of 2019 was the beginning of the end for Cherie. Her body was tired. Her strength was weak. June had been a long marathon to endure. I had friends that had died within the past few years that dealt with colon cancer. I knew what Cherie’s body was doing. It was time to try to get her to understand that hospice needed to be a part of her journey. That wouldn’t come to pass until August of 2019, but I am thankful that she took that step. She had 8 weeks that hospice was able to help with her pain. I’m thankful for that, as well.

Now that I’ve seen the emotional toll that COVID has brought into my life, as well as the lives of my friends, I am so thankful for God’s timing for Cherie’s passing to occur last Fall. She would have been heartbroken to have to live through the COVID 2020 regulations of not being able to be with her refugee friends. I believe she may have had to watch her ministry fade, due to our current restrictions. I am thankful that she did not have to deal with the days of COVID. It would have been crippling to her heart and soul. I also can’t help to think that this may have been a time that she and I would have agreed politically! We would have been bosom buddies in making sure that we could still meet with groups of people, despite government regulations. I think we would have been of one mind, rebelling against the notion of staying home and not living life to its fullest. Spending time with others was the story of her life, as is mine. There is no way she would be confined to the walls of her own home. Period. My sister and I were similar in that way. I am thankful that COVID was not an added stress on my sister’s life.

Since Cherie passed, I have had at least 3 others in my life that have either passed from cancer or are undergoing treatment. I have taken meals, prayed many prayers for deliverance, if that be God’s will, and I have felt deep sympathy for those going through their own journey of dealing with the brevity of life. Mostly, I have no words. We all experience the process of watching a loved one go through treatment (or eventually pass on) in a different way. Sometimes there are just no words. There is just resting. Resting in our only Hope.

These days of 2020, I find myself re-living the year 2019 in the context of my sister’s illness. As time goes on, I know the memories of those hard days will pass in my mind and I won’t be able to recall the specifics of watching my sister die slowly. Right now, though, I lay awake at nights or I stare out the window of my house for long moments, re-living 2019. It was many good times. And it was many hard times. I am thankful for the hope that leads me as I continue this walk, despite whatever dark times come my way. But the tears are real. The memories are real. The gladness of rest in my Savior is real.

Without Cherie

Without Cherie…

There are some things that I wonder about…

December 2019…As I flip through family photo albums I am reminded of the fact that, as Cherie as my only sibling, everything is now left to me, to my mind, to remember things as they were when we lived these many memories together. Cherie is not there to dispute. Cherie is not there to laugh or to set me straight. The experiences are as I remember them. WOW…pause…As two sisters growing up very close to each other, how do I possibly convey to my offspring how it all was? How can I get across to my own children how it was such a BIG deal that Cherie and I slept on the bean bag in her room every Christmas Eve so that we could wake up together to see what Santa brought us? That bean bag wasn’t that big, but we made it so that we could sleep side by side, as a team, ready for Christmas day. There were only a few Christmas mornings I remember awakening in DeLeon, Texas, with my Dad’s mom, but most of my Christmas Eve nights as a youngster were on that bean bag in Tucson, with Cherie.

 Looking back, I remember how full my Christmas Eves and Days were for so many years. I was married in the Fall of 1993. I had my husband and his family and there was so much love. Cherie was on the outskirts of all that love. I’m sure that the Christmas of 1993 was very difficult for her as the older sister. Knowing Cherie, she felt in her traditional bones that she should have been the first to marry. I can only imagine now what that Christmas was truly like for her, knowing that she longed to marry and have children of her own. At her memorial service, Anne played a song that Cherie wanted played at her wedding…that song was about God’s faithfulness. I think that was something she had to rest in. Knowing she was at the end of her life, Cherie had to come to grips with the fact that she would not be married or have children of her own in this life on earth. That desire was also a deep longing in my heart for my sister, but God had other plans. Sometimes my thoughts wander to the fact that, had she had a husband and children when we found the cancer, the devastation would have been even stronger. I am thankful that God spared us through the possible grief that could have occurred. How could we know that God’s plan was perfect in all of this, despite our earthly desires for companionship?

December of 2018 was an earth shaker of what we all thought Christmas of December 2018 should look like, whether we had a family of four kids or whether we were leaning on God for whatever was next in our life. The cancer had already made its statement. It was on a road of its own. Upon receiving the news of Cherie’s mass in her colon, I broke down in the kitchen of my home, in front of my husband and my youngest son, Maximus…the son that had been built for things of maximum potential…the one who would decide to make his days count and, in light of Cherie’s passing, would be one of the strongholds for his mom.

Since Cherie’s death, there has been a lot on my mind. My years growing up have been halfway erased. My memories of my childhood fall short in some way, without Cherie’s corroboration. But these things don’t define who I am today. They helped shape who I am, but my everyday life today does not rest on my past. I rest in the fact that Christ knows my sorrow, my suffering. Christ has defined me as a follower of Him, and in Him I rest, knowing that my sorrow and suffering means something. It means something. God is with me in my suffering and my sorrow. Some days it has been painful to try to “move on”. Other days, I rest in God’s faithfulness, no matter what comes my way.

Some have sent notes of prayer and thoughtfulness, especially during this Christmas season. Those notes have meant something to me. The body of Christ cares. I have tangible proof of cards, texts and emails. It has been overwhelming to know that others are thinking of me and of my family and of my parents during this season. A season when so many other things could have consumed their thoughts. Grace abounds. God is faithful. The Lord walks with me through the grief in so many ways, even using His people to heal my heart.

January 19th........It is early Sunday morning, 12:30am. My youngest son, Maximus, will be running his 5^th ½ Marathon later today. Cherie came to Phoenix 3 years ago to watch my oldest and youngest sons run the half marathon together. We have pictures to show that she was there, supporting them in their agony to finish the race! I started missing Cherie Saturday afternoon as I recalled my memory of her being there in my mind.

 I honestly don’t know why, but this overwhelming sense of grief came over me after I visited a Walmart. It was an ordinary day. I was embroidering a pillow case for my new daughter in law most of the morning while listening to a podcast about a Christian man who had been dealing with anxiety for 12 years. Real life hit me. I have a son that deals with anxiety. This man mentioned that he sometimes wished it would go away altogether, but he couldn’t help but  think how God was using his struggle with anxiety to glorify Him….to lean on Him…to know that the Lord is faithful and goes ahead of his struggle. Sometimes he prays for his anxiety to go away, but then he recognizes that God is using his struggle to work out his sanctification; to minister to other believers that struggle with the same disorder as he does. He strives to learn how God uses his anxiety to glorify Himself. He struggles with something that affects his innermost being because he knows his struggles, in the long run, glorify God; his anxiety causes him to lean on God in a most precious way…a way that only someone with the same struggle would understand. He uses his weakness to help others and has even written a book about living with anxiety in a Christian world.

Pierce Taylor Hibbs has written a book called “Struck Down But Not Destroyed - Living Faithfully With Anxiety”.

I intend to purchase this book and read it fervently. I will also purchase a copy for my son, who struggles with anxiety. Mr. Hibbs has lived out many years of trying to understand how to cope with anxiety while living in a community of Christians who believe he just doesn’t have enough faith in God. I was saddened by his real struggle, but encouraged by the fact that he wrote a book to help other believers who are struggling with anxiety. His struggle has gotten easier, but he wonders if God desires for it to ever really go away. It is how he has grown close to God. It is how he has come to understand that his struggle is real and he wants to help other believers understand that they can learn to use their struggle with anxiety to work out their sanctification.

I thought of my struggle with grief as I listened to a podcast by this author I mentioned above. Sometimes I pray that God would take away my memories of Cherie being sick that last week of her life; I pray that I would not remember her struggle of wanting to pass from this earth, her questioning of how long it would take to die because she was ready to go see her Maker. I cannot help but think that my memory recalls her last days in order for me to remember that my life is not my own. Sometimes I pray that God would take the memories of her last week on this earth away from my mind…but then my friend texts me that her dad may be on his last days. Her struggle with the eminent death of her dad is real. And my memory reminds me of the pain, the struggle, of watching someone I love go slowly into the arms of her Redeemer. But just as Mr. Hibbs sometimes prays for his anxiety to be gone forever and then realizes that God gave him that struggle for a reason, I accept the pain and memories of those last days of heartache for my sister in order to understand the grief my close and faithful friend will soon experience in the death of her dad. How else could I really feel her pain without experiencing the pain of death in my own life? As much as I want to pray for the painful last days of my sister’s life to be washed from my memory, God is using it to give me empathy for my most beloved friend who will soon experience the agony of watching her own dad pass from this earth.

I will write more on my struggle with grief. I will share it publicly with all of you, relying on the truth of how I know that God works everything for His glory. For now, I will learn to rest in my grief as I remember the last days of my sweet Cherie living on this earth; because I know that God is using those most difficult memories to empathize with others who are experiencing their own days of grief. To God be the glory.

More Info on Cherie's Memorial

Memorial services for Cherie Gray will be Saturday, November 2, at St. Andrews Presbyterian Church, 7650 N. Paseo del Norte, at 1:00pm, in Tucson. If you are interested and cannot attend, the service will most likely be live streamed on the internet at sapctucson.org (1:00pm Tucson time). Go to the bottom of the church webpage and click on "Live Feed beta" button to watch the live stream.

There is ample parking at the church, at the church next door, at the school across the street, and at the original church building located diagonally across the intersection from the sanctuary.

Cherie's Memorial Service

Cherie's Memorial Service will be on Saturday, November 2nd, at 1:00 pm. The address is written below:

St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church
7650 N Paseo Del Norte,
Tucson, AZ  85704

Parking information will be forthcoming.

In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that donations be made to Tucson Refugee Ministry or that you volunteer for next summer's Kids Kamp.

In Her Savior's Arms

October 18

Cherie Louise Gray passed into her Savior's arms this morning at 9:55am. Mom and Dad and I were arm in arm, watching her take her last breath on this earth. Thank you for your many prayers and support. I will update again with information for Cherie's memorial.

Kristi Lynn

It is Well With My Soul

October 16

As my dad sings It is Well With my Soul out loud to Cherie we want you all to know that she is still with us. The hospice nurse says her body is fighting death because she's so young. Honestly, there is sadness here at our house, but we still hold fast to the hope we have in Christ and his promise that His chosen ones will be in His presence once they have passed from this earth. Thank you for your prayers.

The Time Has Come

There's not much to write. The hospice nurse has let us know that Cherie will most likely be in the presence of her Lord and Savior within the next 24 hours. My mom, my dad and I are by her side. She is resting and will pass peacefully. I will write again soon. For now, I will go hold my sister's hand. Thank you for your prayers.

Mon Cherie

October 12, 2019

Recently, my parents hired a caregiver to help take care of Cherie. Her name is Lucy, as I shared in the previous post. She also took care of my grandmother towards the end of her life several years ago. Lucy has a big heart. She wrote a letter to Cherie that she wanted me to share:


To Cherie Gray:
Mon Cherie: I just want to thank God for your life, and to your parents Janet and Fred Gray for the trust and opportunity that they have given to me of being with you, to learn about your work and your friends, and serving you as a sister in Christ.
The most beautiful gift that I ever had has been sharing life with you, a soul winner, always looking at fulfilling the great commission, taking the salvation message to the ones who need it the most. I see your willingness, your love, and the passion you do it with. I can see how God uses your life and how through it you reflect Jesus.
I can also see how God has prepared our lives for this purpose, seeing you work until the last minute of your day and starting the next one, preparing your appointments. I also can see how God has prepared our lives for this purpose, seeing that you work until the last minute of your day and starting the next one, preparing your appointments for going forward. We talk the same language, passion for the souls.
Thanks Mon Cherie for everything that I have learned from you in just this short time. You inspire me to go on and achieve the purpose we were created for. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for holding, helping, guiding and comforting us when things get hard.
Thanks one more time to God who allowed us to be together at this time and keep us together in His blood and His love. Je t'aime mon Cherie.
Lucy Angeles

Even though I haven't met Lucy yet, I really like her! 

The Back Story of Blindness

October 9^th, 2019

If you were out and about in Tucson today you may or may not have seen Cherie as a passenger in my mom’s van, headed to an important meeting! Yes, it’s true! Cherie actually attended a TRM Refugee Ministry Network Partners lunch meeting today. The people attending were organizations that were launched because of TRM! Cherie stayed for over an hour and her smile lit up the room. She listened to many stories and challenges and Cherie shared some of her own. One of her friends rightly encouraged her, “Way to take the fullness of each moment, Cherie, and support those special partners!”

I had decided I wasn’t going to write another blog until my sister was literally on her death bed. When I wrote the last blog I thought that was just around the corner. Many of us thought the same: We flew my son in from PA to say goodbye, we scheduled visitors as often as possible for a face to face with Cherie, and I tried to help limit visitors by posting my blog. Ha! Our God has had other plans! On September 16^th, I had posted that Cherie had recently moved over to my parents’ house, into her own hospital bed. My mom was staying awake many nights, serving Cherie with any needs she might have, including administering pain medication and sometimes helping her to the bathroom. When I realized this was just too much on my mom, we started asking friends to cover the nights so my mom could get some rest. AND OF COURSE… the friends, mostly nurses, signed up to spend the night with Cherie. Many found that Cherie got a boost of energy into the late night hours and she was ready and willing to stay up and chat for quite awhile! In the midst of all of this, the hospice doctor had prescribed a specific steroid for some of the things Cherie was dealing with in her body. The side effects to this steroid were that Cherie would get more energy and her appetite would increase. THIS HAS HAPPENED TWO FOLD!!

People have been making her homemade soups and she has had an appetite for eating! Although she is not consuming the ultimate amount of calories that we would hope for someone her size and age, she is still eating! And she is still drinking! At times, water seems repulsive to her, but so far we have been able to find something to add to the water that will help her want to drink water again.

In the midst of all of this, we knew that the caregiving situation was just taking too much out of my parents. I started receiving calls from a couple of concerned friends of the family in Tucson . Soon after, my parents, Cherie, my husband and I, all decided that it was time to consider another avenue of help. My mom told me that the caregiver that took great care of my grandmother years ago had contacted her and offered to be Cherie’s caregiver, as well! Her name is Lucy. Although I'm not Catholic, little did I know that Saint Lucy of Syracuse is revered as the patron saint of blind people. So now there’s a story that must be told…

I don’t know the exact time frame, but my sister attended Western Michigan University to attain her Masters in Orientation and Mobility. I think this process took about 2 years. Once Cherie received her Master’s, she worked for the Virginia School for the Deaf and Blind for 3 yrs ( from 1991 – 1993). She went to Croatia from ’94 to ’95 and then worked at the Missouri School for the Blind from 1995 – 2000. I have reason to believe that these 5 years were some of the hardest years of Cherie’s life. She was expected to teach a class of blind and, probably mostly deaf students, ALL ALONE! No one shared any helps or expert advice to help Cherie through these years. She was COMPLETELY on her own at the School for the Blind and had to figure out how to teach blind students basic mobility. No one was there to give her positive or even negative feedback. She had NO SUPPORT and had to create a class that would benefit her students and their needs, despite what her own needs were. Her own needs were not recognized and these years defined my sister as feeling very alone.  This job made her feel almost inhumane, and incapable. My husband and I went to visit her in 1996. We were very excited to see what she did for work, but we had no idea how taxing it was on her mentally. I wish we knew then how much people didn’t recognize her gifts. She was all alone and we didn’t realize it at that point. But she was making a difference and really being a good teacher when no around would encourage her!

Back to October of 2019…my parents hire a caregiver named Lucy, meaning “The Patron Saint of Blind People”…To this day I believe that my sister taught blind, maybe even deaf/blind people how to cross the street or catch a city bus or tie their shoes,  or something even more important, but no one was ever able to encourage my sister with these monumental tasks learned because that’s how God planned it! Lucy is an encourager to Cherie and my parents. She has helped take on the task of medication when needed, and has assisted Cherie and my parents in whatever way they need help.

I just returned from Rocky Point, Mexico. My youngest son, Maximus, and I met up with mom and dad Gray at their trailer at Rocky Point! We stayed for 2 and a half days while Lucy watched over and took care of Cherie.  We had a wonderful time together! My parents and I spent long, hot hours together on the beach, watching Max spear a fish!

Many have asked about Cherie’s current condition. It almost seems to change daily!  She is usually quite tired, but she seems to have energy for visitors. Her state has changed extensively from my last post. My sister is trying to function as much as possible for as long as possible. The fact that she made it out of the house today was unspeakable! The Lord is doing His work where He seems fit. I do pray that those who were able to see my sister today used their glorifying words and prayers to honor Christ, the One Who is able to cover all spiritual blindness.

We will be visiting our daughter, Cosette, in Holland, Michigan, for Parents’ Weekend at Hope College. I can’t help but to think, according to my gastroenterologist, that my sister was her age when the cancer began to grow in her body. This chills me to the bone. My hope is in Christ and Him alone…and the name of the college where my daughter attends is Hope College.

How can they say there is no God?!

Pain Control

We Will Feast in the House of Zion…

As Cherie draws nearer to our Lord, it is important that you all are aware of the issue at hand.

Cherie has been in a lot of pain these last couple of weeks. She has had some wonderful visits with friends and family, as much as her body and mind would allow. Last night, Cherie moved into my parents’ house. She is now in a comfy hospital bed provided by hospice. My mom has already benefited from this move and so has Cherie. It is much easier to sit up and drink and her room is right across from mom and dad’s. As of this afternoon, Cherie is still interacting when she is awake, but she sleeps most of the day. The nurse from hospice visits regularly and is continually working with us to manage my sister’s pain.

Currently, my mom has posted the “no visitors” sign. We would ask you all to pray for better pain control.

As Cherie’s body wears down and the pain becomes great, we spend time lamenting because we are reminded that things are not as they ought to be because of sin. We sing songs and read scripture that echo these emotions. Yet, when all is said and done, and the Saints worship the Lord seated on the throne, we will one day all feast in the house of Zion. For the last 2 years, in various circumstances, this picture has been in my mind. The words that we sing as a congregation at church touch my soul to the core:

“We will feast in the House of Zion

We will feast with our hearts restored

He has done great things we will say together

We will feast and weep no more”

God's Got This One

August 26, 2019

God’s Got This One

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Sometimes there are just no words. Sometimes all that rests on this side of heaven is a heart full of prayers for comfort or a general daze, along with a soaking in reality.

The past couple of weeks, Cherie took a well needed vacation up in the pines of AZ. My parents took her to a cabin, where she got to spend time with some close friends that came up to visit with her. And Cherie did get a couple days to herself, all alone…something she hasn’t had since last December! She filled her days in the mountains with lots of rest and sleep. She was also getting used to some new pain medicine that seemed to mostly do the trick. At one point she took a 2 mile walk with a friend and enjoyed every minute of it. When she wasn’t with her friends she slept…she LOVES her sleep!

It’s been about 6 weeks now that Cherie has been experiencing pain…it’s a pain that comes with cancer, somewhere inside her abdomen area, but nothing succinct, just general pain. Sometimes it’s just an annoying sloshy tummy feeling. Sometimes it hurts enough for me to hear it in her voice. Those times are more often now. Those times are daily. But God’s got this one.

God has truly blessed Cherie with a palliative care doctor that has been sweet, sympathetic, and straight forward. She has given Cherie her personal cell phone number so they can work together to figure out what meds are helpful. In the past month Cherie was experiencing extreme pain and went to the ER, where they performed a CT scan. The things that showed up in that scan are indicators of why the palliative doctor has encouraged Cherie to pursue hospice care. The doctor also told Cherie that she should be eating things and doing things that make her feel good. After that appointment, we all went out for Chick Fil A and picked up some amazing Chocolate Ganache ice cream! God’s got this one!

But the pain and uncomfortableness have been a lurking issue. The appetite to eat is just not there. The doctor has helped to find the right combination of meds that will give Cherie some relief, but she has continued to point Cherie in the direction of hospice care. This week Cherie, mom, dad, and I will meet with hospice. I am eager to see how they can help Cherie with her pain. Since she has chosen not to receive chemo treatment, hospice will be there to make sure she is living as comfortably as possible.  I am thankful for those of you who have helped encourage her to pursue learning more about what hospice can do to help her. I am a huge proponent of this pursuit, since it has been a struggle to see Cherie deal with pain everyday now. And God’s got this one.

We still have been given no timeline as to how much time my sister still has on this earth. And then I stop to think: Has anyone really truly been given a timeline for our short stay on this earth?!  This cancer thing just starts to tug at the heart and we all want to know what to expect. It’s difficult. It’s not difficult to recognize that our earthly bodies are in God’s Sovereign hands, but when the reality of cancer hits, along with the suffering effects, this is when I struggle with a known situation that I can’t control. But then I sit at the feet of my Beloved Savior and rest in peace, accepting my helplessness, feeling that humbleness which comes with the acknowledgement that my hands are weak, my efforts to control are feeble. God’s got this one.

There are no rose colored glasses for this entry. The cancer is growing. It’s hard to watch.

We thank God for:

-          The time away that Cherie had in the AZ pines!

-          The friends God has placed in her life that have truly been an encouragement

-          The health of my parents, who have been steady providers for Cherie in ways we can never try to count

-          Giving man the idea for medication that was invented that will help smooth this time ahead

-          Flowers. She still loves flowers. A single flower or a beautiful bouquet will always brighten her day

Please pray for:

-          A quick transition to hospice care. We want Cherie to enjoy her days and have more good days than pain filled ones

-          Stamina for Cherie on her good days

-          Cherie to have a heart of peace as she opens her mind to even the word “hospice” and the reality she faces

-          My mom and dad. They will need energy and stamina as things progress

Summer Journeys

June 19, 2019

Our last post was March 26^th.  There have been many celebratory events in the Gray and Kinney family within the past 2 months, including my son’s wedding. There has been many a time I have paused these past 3 months and thanked the Lord that Cherie could share in all of these celebrations. Back in January, we were unsure of what those next 6 months would hold, but God’s grace has been more than sufficient as Cherie continues to be able to join all the celebrations for her niece and nephews PLUS celebrate another year of her own life (she turned 51 in May)!

Last week, Cherie had her appointment with the oncologist after a CT scan a couple of days before. He went over the results and made us aware of areas in her body in which the cancer has grown in the lymph nodes.  We are fully aware that the cancer is growing and spreading throughout her body, but Cherie is still in good spirits and is continuing to live a “normal” life. She has lost some stamina, but I know that her soul rests in the One who loves her most and I am resting in Him daily as well. Looking at her day to day routine, she is active and continues to be the Cherie that we all know. Although her stamina has been down, she continues to strive to put things in place for her ministry. Those who love her most are continually reminding her to rest as much as possible.

Because of exhaustion and even some pain lately, Cherie has made two important decisions.  One is that she needs to exercise more. She’s hearing it from all directions, and she knows the significance of it. Fitting it into her schedule is a different story! The other decision is that she needs to slow down more and let go of more things. It is very hard for Cherie to let go of things that have always been her responsibility and that she loves. If you would like two specific things to pray for, now you have them.

Dr. Brooks has referred Cherie to a palliative care doctor. It is NOT hospice…many confuse it as such! A palliative care doctor will help Cherie deal with the symptoms of her illness and pain and can help make her comfortable. It is important to establish this doctor early so she is a registered patient.

As I sit and reflect on the last 6 months I think of all the events and all the visits from people that have been such a joy in Cherie’s life. The struggle continues. It’s a struggle in a different way for each of us, not just Cherie. In the Kingdom of God, when one person is affected by something, whether happy or sad, all of His followers are affected. It has been a different journey for each person within our family, as well. Please continue to lift us up in prayer. Pray that we will freely communicate what’s on our hearts with one another as we seek to understand God’s will in all of this. We have 4 children and each of them is digesting this trial in a different way. My mom and dad are each affected in their own way. Cherie has to soak in the fact that God has her best interests in mind…this is true for all of us…this is not easy.

Recent oncologist visit

March 26, 2019

It’s been awhile since my last post and Cherie recently had an appointment with the Oncologist, so it’s time for an update!

Cherie had a CT last week. We met with Dr. Brooks the next day to discuss the findings. He asked her how she was feeling and it was a difference between night and day since the last time we saw him! She is still feeling some of the lingering effects of chemo, such as peeling on her fingertips. Currently, she is unable to open her phone with her finger because her fingerprint lines have gone away due to the peeling! Having to do things the old fashioned way by punching in a code is annoying, but Cherie knows it’s temporary (yes, first world problems).

Looking at the CT scan the radiologist and Dr. Brooks have reported about a one centimeter shrinkage of 2 of the lymph nodes that were measured back in December of 2018. This is good to hear!

 The doctor also took a blood test for a tumor marker. Tumor markers are chemicals made by tumor cells that can be detected in your blood. But tumor markers are also produced by some normal cells in your body, and levels may be significantly elevated in noncancerous conditions. This limits the potential for tumor marker tests to help in diagnosing cancer. Tumor markers can also help doctors decide whether to add chemotherapy after surgery. Other tumor markers help the doctor choose which drug combination will work best for chemo. They can also help the doctor figure out how well treatment is working.

Now that you’ve had your Biology lesson for today…

Cherie’s tumor level went from 214 in January to 45.9 last week!

What does this mean? Well, it means that the chemo probably did work some by shrinking cancerous lymph nodes and shrinking the numbers of the tumor marker test and it means that none of this happens outside of God's will. Praise God! So you’re thinking: “Apparently the chemo treatment was successful in some way! Maybe Cherie should stick with it!” So now I’m here to follow up with some other news that isn’t so great…

There are now 7 definite spots (also called lesions) on Cherie’s liver that point to cancer activity. The previous CT scan showed 2, maybe 3. So while the lymph nodes have shrunk, the cancer on the liver is a concern. It is quite common for colon cancer to spread to the liver, since it is the closest organ (other than the spleen) to the origin of her colon cancer. If she feels any effects from the cancer on her liver it would be extreme exhaustion, loss of appetite, and weight loss. So far, she is experiencing none of that. Dr. Brooks didn’t dwell on talking about what has happened with the liver. He tends to be very positive, in general, no matter what the situation. He is a very encouraging man, and we are thankful that he listens and dwells on the good things that are happening. He is truthful, though, and shows us the results thoroughly and addresses our concerns. He doesn’t hide the truth.

During the appointment, Cherie did ask about some alternative treatments and possible cancer trial studies that she might qualify for. Dr. Brooks did not close any doors on these options, but he was careful to explain that these tests and studies are meant to find the best form of treatment for her cancer…which, down the road, is meant to lead to more chemo. He didn’t speak negatively about these options, but rather truthfully about the road they present ahead.

So here’s the scoop: The next time we see Dr. Brooks will be late June! Cherie is to go on enjoying her chemo free life. She needs to be mindful of the importance of eating healthy and exercising and continue on that path. When she sees the doctor again she will get a CT scan beforehand so that we can see any activity that has occurred within this next 3 month time frame.

Meanwhile, please continue praying. Thank God for Dr. Brooks and his truthfulness, as well as his encouraging spirit. Thank Him for the good results in the CT scan. Come before Him regarding the new spots on the liver. Pray for wisdom for Cherie. There will still be many decisions ahead of her. Pray for my parents as they labor (joyfully, of course) to make sure Cherie is well taken care of.

Thank the Lord that Cherie hasn’t been “sick”. Her life has gone on as normal and she feels as if she doesn’t even have cancer! Because of this, my parents were able to take a vacation to their second home and favorite place: Rocky Point, Mexico! They met up with long time friends there and enjoyed the wonderful weather and a blessed time of fellowship.

It may be awhile before I post again. Thank you all for your faithfulness in support and prayer for our family!

A few more words to add...

February 27, 2019

There are some things on my heart I need to share.

First, I have been moved to tears by the notes from friends and family. People I haven’t seen or heard from for 25+ years have popped up out of the woodwork with words of encouragement and promises of prayers before the feet of our Almighty God. Thank you, everyone, for your support in so many ways!

There is something I have not shared, which Cherie and I feel is very important for you all to know. I hope you can understand it but, if not, trust that we are telling a part of Cherie’s journey that we feel is important to share with the masses:

Cherie was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There are actually various levels of each stage. Cherie’s is all the way over on the charts, on every aspect of every chart. Every level of diagnosis is to the edge of every chart. It has spread to various parts of her body, of which the liver is the biggest concern to me. Her lymph nodes are carrying cancer, not just in one part of her body, but in many parts of her body, as I have shared in previous posts. What is most important to mention, at this point, is that God does not operate according to charts. I recognize that and I am most thankful for that, in acknowledging that God works outside of every chart dimension or diagnosis. His hand is mighty and we don’t decide how He uses His hand in order for us to bring Him glory.

In light of this, Dr. Brooks has compassionately shared with Cherie and the family that what she has is not curable. He has said this many times, and Cherie has had this on the forefront of her mind ever since she decided to pursue Chemo. At this point it is important that I state the fact that God does not operate within curable or incurable diseases. God knows no boundaries. Cherie and mom and dad, as well as myself, continue to acknowledge that God may choose to heal her, to take away the cancer once and for all. I know that many of you are praying for that. I admire your faith and feel that I fall way short of understanding it. Reality has hit me, probably from the beginning of all of this. My prayers have been that God is glorified. My prayers have been that Cherie will be free of pain. But in those prayers, I sometimes lose sight of how God has made this a part of His story instead of mine or my parents or Cherie.

Ever since chemo began streaming through my sister’s body, she has been thinking about how things might play out. The idea with the chemo treatment is to prolong her life. The cancer that she has is incurable (other than a miraculous act of God, which we all will acknowledge). In light of this, for the rest of Cherie’s life, she would be enduring rounds of chemo just to prolong her life. The side effects have affected her in such a way that she feels she doesn’t have much of a life anymore if she has to deal with side effects that she most recently has had multiply. Cherie feels if she is doing chemo only to prolong her life, her prolonged life will be a world full of very unpleasant side effects and she has been unable to function under just round 3, let alone a total of 12 treatments.

Many of you may wonder about alternative measures that Cherie could take, or pursue, that may cure or prolong her life for a long while. Please understand that I know my sister. It is completely unrealistic for her to even consider an alternative such as juicing or becoming vegan or whatever others have claimed to be their cure. Honestly, this is not a realistic road for Cherie. Her life is sharing her time with others, not juicing or becoming wrapped up in how to cure herself. She has decided to acknowledge that the cure is in God’s hands. For her to pursue a route that would literally force her to give up her current life of spending enjoyable time with others is not worth it to her. She doesn’t want to live just to have to face another day of juicing or of chemo, or whatever route has proven to work for others. She would hate juicing. She definitely hates chemo. Realistically, she could never keep up with it and still be able to enjoy life or share in the enjoyment of others’ lives.

Cherie is not a candidate for chemo and Cherie is not a candidate for alternative measures. Cherie is a welcome recipient of the joys and grace that God has bestowed upon her life. She does not judge those that have chosen different routes than what she sees before her. She wants to enjoy each of you, whether in person or in cards or in flowers or in encouraging messages on social media. She wants to see God at work around her as she continues to pursue life to the greatest extent possible.

I close with a poem posted in Paul Tripp’s book A Shelter in the Time of Storm.

Safe

I am safe,

Not because I have no trouble,

or because I never experience danger.

I am safe,

Not because people affirm me,

Or my plans always work out.

I am safe,

Not because I am immune from disease,

Or free of the potential for poverty.

I am safe,

Not because I am protected from

Disappointment,

Or separated from this

Fallen world.

I am safe,

Not because I am wise

Or strong.

I am safe, not because I deserve

Comfort or have earned my ease.

I am safe,

Not because of

Money

Or power,

Or position,

Or intellect,

Or who I know,

Or where I live.

I am safe because of the glorious mystery of

Grace.

I am safe because of the presence of

Boundless love.

I am safe because of

Divine mercy,

Divine wisdom,

Divine power,

And divine grace.

I am safe,

Not because I never face

Danger,

But because You are

With me in it.

You have not given me

A ticket out of danger.

You have not promised me

A life of ease.

You have chosen to place me in

A fallen world.

I am safe

Because You have given me

The one thing

That is the

Only thing

That will ever keep me safe.

You have given me

You.

I am safe from my evil heart

And this shattered world,

Not because I can escape

Them both,

But because in the middle of

Temptation and trial,

Danger and disappointment,

Sickness and want,

You give me everything

I need to

Fight temptation

And avoid defeat

And to point others

To the safety

That can be found only

In You.

 So, I will wake up tomorrow

And face the anxiety

Of not knowing

The fear of my own weakness,

And the reality of the fall.

I will live with

Faith,

Courage,

Perseverance,

And hope.

And when danger comes,

And it will,

I will whisper to

My weakening heart,

“Emmanuel is your shelter;

You are safe.”  

No Chemo #4

February 26, 2019

This entry will might take your breath away. You might feel sick after reading it. You might be emotional, asking lots of WHY questions. You might be depressed or your heart may feel heavy. Anxiety might overcome you. You may feel sad. Perhaps this news will feel like it’s sucking the life out of you…

Cherie has decided not to continue with chemotherapy.

What you may be feeling now are some of the very symptoms Cherie has been feeling since her chemotherapy started, but especially these past 2 weeks. She feels as if the chemo is sucking life out of her. She has experienced numerous side effects, such as those listed above, since the 3^rd treatment. Tomorrow would be chemo treatment #4. Cherie has decided against it.

Today we met with Dr. Brooks, Cherie’s oncologist. My mom, dad, Cherie and I were there together. Dr. Brooks listened as Cherie shared her heartfelt desire: She does not want to experience any more of these horrible side effects. Her desire is to live out the rest of her days, months, or years with the quality of life that she enjoys rather than dreads. Now you are probably overwhelmed with emotion, and understandably so but, you see, none of us are in Cherie’s shoes. None of us has experienced exactly what Cherie has thus far, not one of us. We must rest in the fact that the Lord has become Cherie’s stronghold, her rock of refuge.

So the plan is this: Cherie will receive a PET scan or CT scan late next week (depending on which one insurance will cover). Dr. Brooks will discuss the findings with us a few days after that and we will discuss any options that he suggests. He did tell Cherie today that he will continue to suggest treatment, but he also shared that what she has decided is not a crazy idea. The goal now is to help her live with the best quality of life possible. He is honoring her desire and has agreed to give supportive care as she goes down this road.

I pray for you, the reader, as I assume you are a friend of my sister. Your heart is probably heavy. As I see this play out I acknowledge that no one knows what this is going to look like other than the Maker of heaven and earth. We will take each day as it comes. Cherie will continue to go to see Dr. Brooks regularly. New decisions may be made. A new diagnosis may come about, but please know that, for now, Cherie is at peace with her decision. I want what she wants, even if my mind and soul ache for the opposite at times. There will be difficult days ahead with possible weight loss and nutrition issues, as well as possible pain, but we can’t predict these things. Our comfort comes from above, trusting that God is faithful and He will complete His work until the very end.

Please continue to pray. I am still coming up with a list of requests so that you may know how to pray. For now, I pray that you will find comfort in the Lord. All of our days are numbered. Cherie may have more days on this earth than any of us!

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,

Kristi Lynn

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact me at kkinney44@hotmail.com

Chemo Treatment #3

February 12, 2019

Tomorrow will be Cherie's third chemo treatment, provided her cell count isn't too low. The white blood cell count was low last time, but they were able to decrease the amount of a particular chemical so they could still administer treatment. We will see what happens with tomorrow. They may give her a white blood cell shot or decide that her body isn't ready for tomorrow's treatment and may need more time to recover.

You can pray for her body to be strong enough, with the counts high enough, to be able to have treatment tomorrow. If not, we are still at peace with the fact that her oncologist is keeping a close eye on what is going on with her body.

Chemo Treatment #2

Feb. 1, 2019


Cherie completed chemo treatment #2 this past Wednesday, January 30th... now there's 10 more to go! I went down to Tucson and sat by her side. We went in at 9am and walked out at 2:15pm.  Not all of that was the treatment. There was a lot of prep and some chatter in between. The total time she was hooked up to the chemicals was about 2 1/2 hours. There was a strong one they still couldn't give her, which is pretty much the backbone to really kick everything up a few notches. There had not been enough time between the surgery for the port and being able to administer this 4th chemical. Next time, it will be part of the regiment and I think we will see a definite difference in the treatment effects.

This second time her white blood cell count was a little low, so they adjusted for it, cutting back on the amount of the drug that causes the count to be low. Hopefully it won't be too much of an issue for the next treatment.

Cherie's days are still pretty active. She is still having more good days than bad days and the bad ones seem to still be pretty bearable. She still attends meetings, meets others for coffee, exercises on the mini trampoline, eats throughout the day, and more. She does try to catch a nap when she needs one. Sometimes her stomach is upset, but no real nausea so far, which is an answer to prayer! Most people that are not familiar with cancer may think that Cherie is laying in bed all day, due to loss of energy...to the contrary so far! The first 2 days after chemo have been filled with extra energy due to the steroids administered during treatment. This has been for both treatments so far. She is still eating well. Even though she feels full most of the time, my mom stays on her and she is able to eat more, here and there. She is still tracking her food intake to make sure she is getting the nutrients she needs. Cherie still gets lots of visitors and goes to lots of doctor appointments. We can praise God that there are only a few bad days so far!

Continue to pray for her. As the chemo treatments build up in her body, she will experience more side effects. Pray that this will be at the minimum. She is experiencing some issues with mouth sores, as was expected, but the doctors are always quick to help out with anything that will make her more comfortable. And those that have experienced cancer in their lives one way or another have also offered great remedies for dealing with side effects like mouth sores.

If you check the blog and there is no update, you can assume that things are going as expected for Cherie. You can assume that she is having more good days than bad ones. You can also visit the Caring Bridge website to see pictures and other writings. Look for cheriegraytucson on that website.

I will update again when there is anything different to report. Thank you all for your love towards my family in Tucson. Please also continue to pray for my family in Phoenix!