God's Got This One

August 26, 2019

God’s Got This One

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Sometimes there are just no words. Sometimes all that rests on this side of heaven is a heart full of prayers for comfort or a general daze, along with a soaking in reality.

The past couple of weeks, Cherie took a well needed vacation up in the pines of AZ. My parents took her to a cabin, where she got to spend time with some close friends that came up to visit with her. And Cherie did get a couple days to herself, all alone…something she hasn’t had since last December! She filled her days in the mountains with lots of rest and sleep. She was also getting used to some new pain medicine that seemed to mostly do the trick. At one point she took a 2 mile walk with a friend and enjoyed every minute of it. When she wasn’t with her friends she slept…she LOVES her sleep!

It’s been about 6 weeks now that Cherie has been experiencing pain…it’s a pain that comes with cancer, somewhere inside her abdomen area, but nothing succinct, just general pain. Sometimes it’s just an annoying sloshy tummy feeling. Sometimes it hurts enough for me to hear it in her voice. Those times are more often now. Those times are daily. But God’s got this one.

God has truly blessed Cherie with a palliative care doctor that has been sweet, sympathetic, and straight forward. She has given Cherie her personal cell phone number so they can work together to figure out what meds are helpful. In the past month Cherie was experiencing extreme pain and went to the ER, where they performed a CT scan. The things that showed up in that scan are indicators of why the palliative doctor has encouraged Cherie to pursue hospice care. The doctor also told Cherie that she should be eating things and doing things that make her feel good. After that appointment, we all went out for Chick Fil A and picked up some amazing Chocolate Ganache ice cream! God’s got this one!

But the pain and uncomfortableness have been a lurking issue. The appetite to eat is just not there. The doctor has helped to find the right combination of meds that will give Cherie some relief, but she has continued to point Cherie in the direction of hospice care. This week Cherie, mom, dad, and I will meet with hospice. I am eager to see how they can help Cherie with her pain. Since she has chosen not to receive chemo treatment, hospice will be there to make sure she is living as comfortably as possible.  I am thankful for those of you who have helped encourage her to pursue learning more about what hospice can do to help her. I am a huge proponent of this pursuit, since it has been a struggle to see Cherie deal with pain everyday now. And God’s got this one.

We still have been given no timeline as to how much time my sister still has on this earth. And then I stop to think: Has anyone really truly been given a timeline for our short stay on this earth?!  This cancer thing just starts to tug at the heart and we all want to know what to expect. It’s difficult. It’s not difficult to recognize that our earthly bodies are in God’s Sovereign hands, but when the reality of cancer hits, along with the suffering effects, this is when I struggle with a known situation that I can’t control. But then I sit at the feet of my Beloved Savior and rest in peace, accepting my helplessness, feeling that humbleness which comes with the acknowledgement that my hands are weak, my efforts to control are feeble. God’s got this one.

There are no rose colored glasses for this entry. The cancer is growing. It’s hard to watch.

We thank God for:

-          The time away that Cherie had in the AZ pines!

-          The friends God has placed in her life that have truly been an encouragement

-          The health of my parents, who have been steady providers for Cherie in ways we can never try to count

-          Giving man the idea for medication that was invented that will help smooth this time ahead

-          Flowers. She still loves flowers. A single flower or a beautiful bouquet will always brighten her day

Please pray for:

-          A quick transition to hospice care. We want Cherie to enjoy her days and have more good days than pain filled ones

-          Stamina for Cherie on her good days

-          Cherie to have a heart of peace as she opens her mind to even the word “hospice” and the reality she faces

-          My mom and dad. They will need energy and stamina as things progress

Summer Journeys

June 19, 2019

Our last post was March 26^th.  There have been many celebratory events in the Gray and Kinney family within the past 2 months, including my son’s wedding. There has been many a time I have paused these past 3 months and thanked the Lord that Cherie could share in all of these celebrations. Back in January, we were unsure of what those next 6 months would hold, but God’s grace has been more than sufficient as Cherie continues to be able to join all the celebrations for her niece and nephews PLUS celebrate another year of her own life (she turned 51 in May)!

Last week, Cherie had her appointment with the oncologist after a CT scan a couple of days before. He went over the results and made us aware of areas in her body in which the cancer has grown in the lymph nodes.  We are fully aware that the cancer is growing and spreading throughout her body, but Cherie is still in good spirits and is continuing to live a “normal” life. She has lost some stamina, but I know that her soul rests in the One who loves her most and I am resting in Him daily as well. Looking at her day to day routine, she is active and continues to be the Cherie that we all know. Although her stamina has been down, she continues to strive to put things in place for her ministry. Those who love her most are continually reminding her to rest as much as possible.

Because of exhaustion and even some pain lately, Cherie has made two important decisions.  One is that she needs to exercise more. She’s hearing it from all directions, and she knows the significance of it. Fitting it into her schedule is a different story! The other decision is that she needs to slow down more and let go of more things. It is very hard for Cherie to let go of things that have always been her responsibility and that she loves. If you would like two specific things to pray for, now you have them.

Dr. Brooks has referred Cherie to a palliative care doctor. It is NOT hospice…many confuse it as such! A palliative care doctor will help Cherie deal with the symptoms of her illness and pain and can help make her comfortable. It is important to establish this doctor early so she is a registered patient.

As I sit and reflect on the last 6 months I think of all the events and all the visits from people that have been such a joy in Cherie’s life. The struggle continues. It’s a struggle in a different way for each of us, not just Cherie. In the Kingdom of God, when one person is affected by something, whether happy or sad, all of His followers are affected. It has been a different journey for each person within our family, as well. Please continue to lift us up in prayer. Pray that we will freely communicate what’s on our hearts with one another as we seek to understand God’s will in all of this. We have 4 children and each of them is digesting this trial in a different way. My mom and dad are each affected in their own way. Cherie has to soak in the fact that God has her best interests in mind…this is true for all of us…this is not easy.

Recent oncologist visit

March 26, 2019

It’s been awhile since my last post and Cherie recently had an appointment with the Oncologist, so it’s time for an update!

Cherie had a CT last week. We met with Dr. Brooks the next day to discuss the findings. He asked her how she was feeling and it was a difference between night and day since the last time we saw him! She is still feeling some of the lingering effects of chemo, such as peeling on her fingertips. Currently, she is unable to open her phone with her finger because her fingerprint lines have gone away due to the peeling! Having to do things the old fashioned way by punching in a code is annoying, but Cherie knows it’s temporary (yes, first world problems).

Looking at the CT scan the radiologist and Dr. Brooks have reported about a one centimeter shrinkage of 2 of the lymph nodes that were measured back in December of 2018. This is good to hear!

 The doctor also took a blood test for a tumor marker. Tumor markers are chemicals made by tumor cells that can be detected in your blood. But tumor markers are also produced by some normal cells in your body, and levels may be significantly elevated in noncancerous conditions. This limits the potential for tumor marker tests to help in diagnosing cancer. Tumor markers can also help doctors decide whether to add chemotherapy after surgery. Other tumor markers help the doctor choose which drug combination will work best for chemo. They can also help the doctor figure out how well treatment is working.

Now that you’ve had your Biology lesson for today…

Cherie’s tumor level went from 214 in January to 45.9 last week!

What does this mean? Well, it means that the chemo probably did work some by shrinking cancerous lymph nodes and shrinking the numbers of the tumor marker test and it means that none of this happens outside of God's will. Praise God! So you’re thinking: “Apparently the chemo treatment was successful in some way! Maybe Cherie should stick with it!” So now I’m here to follow up with some other news that isn’t so great…

There are now 7 definite spots (also called lesions) on Cherie’s liver that point to cancer activity. The previous CT scan showed 2, maybe 3. So while the lymph nodes have shrunk, the cancer on the liver is a concern. It is quite common for colon cancer to spread to the liver, since it is the closest organ (other than the spleen) to the origin of her colon cancer. If she feels any effects from the cancer on her liver it would be extreme exhaustion, loss of appetite, and weight loss. So far, she is experiencing none of that. Dr. Brooks didn’t dwell on talking about what has happened with the liver. He tends to be very positive, in general, no matter what the situation. He is a very encouraging man, and we are thankful that he listens and dwells on the good things that are happening. He is truthful, though, and shows us the results thoroughly and addresses our concerns. He doesn’t hide the truth.

During the appointment, Cherie did ask about some alternative treatments and possible cancer trial studies that she might qualify for. Dr. Brooks did not close any doors on these options, but he was careful to explain that these tests and studies are meant to find the best form of treatment for her cancer…which, down the road, is meant to lead to more chemo. He didn’t speak negatively about these options, but rather truthfully about the road they present ahead.

So here’s the scoop: The next time we see Dr. Brooks will be late June! Cherie is to go on enjoying her chemo free life. She needs to be mindful of the importance of eating healthy and exercising and continue on that path. When she sees the doctor again she will get a CT scan beforehand so that we can see any activity that has occurred within this next 3 month time frame.

Meanwhile, please continue praying. Thank God for Dr. Brooks and his truthfulness, as well as his encouraging spirit. Thank Him for the good results in the CT scan. Come before Him regarding the new spots on the liver. Pray for wisdom for Cherie. There will still be many decisions ahead of her. Pray for my parents as they labor (joyfully, of course) to make sure Cherie is well taken care of.

Thank the Lord that Cherie hasn’t been “sick”. Her life has gone on as normal and she feels as if she doesn’t even have cancer! Because of this, my parents were able to take a vacation to their second home and favorite place: Rocky Point, Mexico! They met up with long time friends there and enjoyed the wonderful weather and a blessed time of fellowship.

It may be awhile before I post again. Thank you all for your faithfulness in support and prayer for our family!

A few more words to add...

February 27, 2019

There are some things on my heart I need to share.

First, I have been moved to tears by the notes from friends and family. People I haven’t seen or heard from for 25+ years have popped up out of the woodwork with words of encouragement and promises of prayers before the feet of our Almighty God. Thank you, everyone, for your support in so many ways!

There is something I have not shared, which Cherie and I feel is very important for you all to know. I hope you can understand it but, if not, trust that we are telling a part of Cherie’s journey that we feel is important to share with the masses:

Cherie was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There are actually various levels of each stage. Cherie’s is all the way over on the charts, on every aspect of every chart. Every level of diagnosis is to the edge of every chart. It has spread to various parts of her body, of which the liver is the biggest concern to me. Her lymph nodes are carrying cancer, not just in one part of her body, but in many parts of her body, as I have shared in previous posts. What is most important to mention, at this point, is that God does not operate according to charts. I recognize that and I am most thankful for that, in acknowledging that God works outside of every chart dimension or diagnosis. His hand is mighty and we don’t decide how He uses His hand in order for us to bring Him glory.

In light of this, Dr. Brooks has compassionately shared with Cherie and the family that what she has is not curable. He has said this many times, and Cherie has had this on the forefront of her mind ever since she decided to pursue Chemo. At this point it is important that I state the fact that God does not operate within curable or incurable diseases. God knows no boundaries. Cherie and mom and dad, as well as myself, continue to acknowledge that God may choose to heal her, to take away the cancer once and for all. I know that many of you are praying for that. I admire your faith and feel that I fall way short of understanding it. Reality has hit me, probably from the beginning of all of this. My prayers have been that God is glorified. My prayers have been that Cherie will be free of pain. But in those prayers, I sometimes lose sight of how God has made this a part of His story instead of mine or my parents or Cherie.

Ever since chemo began streaming through my sister’s body, she has been thinking about how things might play out. The idea with the chemo treatment is to prolong her life. The cancer that she has is incurable (other than a miraculous act of God, which we all will acknowledge). In light of this, for the rest of Cherie’s life, she would be enduring rounds of chemo just to prolong her life. The side effects have affected her in such a way that she feels she doesn’t have much of a life anymore if she has to deal with side effects that she most recently has had multiply. Cherie feels if she is doing chemo only to prolong her life, her prolonged life will be a world full of very unpleasant side effects and she has been unable to function under just round 3, let alone a total of 12 treatments.

Many of you may wonder about alternative measures that Cherie could take, or pursue, that may cure or prolong her life for a long while. Please understand that I know my sister. It is completely unrealistic for her to even consider an alternative such as juicing or becoming vegan or whatever others have claimed to be their cure. Honestly, this is not a realistic road for Cherie. Her life is sharing her time with others, not juicing or becoming wrapped up in how to cure herself. She has decided to acknowledge that the cure is in God’s hands. For her to pursue a route that would literally force her to give up her current life of spending enjoyable time with others is not worth it to her. She doesn’t want to live just to have to face another day of juicing or of chemo, or whatever route has proven to work for others. She would hate juicing. She definitely hates chemo. Realistically, she could never keep up with it and still be able to enjoy life or share in the enjoyment of others’ lives.

Cherie is not a candidate for chemo and Cherie is not a candidate for alternative measures. Cherie is a welcome recipient of the joys and grace that God has bestowed upon her life. She does not judge those that have chosen different routes than what she sees before her. She wants to enjoy each of you, whether in person or in cards or in flowers or in encouraging messages on social media. She wants to see God at work around her as she continues to pursue life to the greatest extent possible.

I close with a poem posted in Paul Tripp’s book A Shelter in the Time of Storm.

Safe

I am safe,

Not because I have no trouble,

or because I never experience danger.

I am safe,

Not because people affirm me,

Or my plans always work out.

I am safe,

Not because I am immune from disease,

Or free of the potential for poverty.

I am safe,

Not because I am protected from

Disappointment,

Or separated from this

Fallen world.

I am safe,

Not because I am wise

Or strong.

I am safe, not because I deserve

Comfort or have earned my ease.

I am safe,

Not because of

Money

Or power,

Or position,

Or intellect,

Or who I know,

Or where I live.

I am safe because of the glorious mystery of

Grace.

I am safe because of the presence of

Boundless love.

I am safe because of

Divine mercy,

Divine wisdom,

Divine power,

And divine grace.

I am safe,

Not because I never face

Danger,

But because You are

With me in it.

You have not given me

A ticket out of danger.

You have not promised me

A life of ease.

You have chosen to place me in

A fallen world.

I am safe

Because You have given me

The one thing

That is the

Only thing

That will ever keep me safe.

You have given me

You.

I am safe from my evil heart

And this shattered world,

Not because I can escape

Them both,

But because in the middle of

Temptation and trial,

Danger and disappointment,

Sickness and want,

You give me everything

I need to

Fight temptation

And avoid defeat

And to point others

To the safety

That can be found only

In You.

 So, I will wake up tomorrow

And face the anxiety

Of not knowing

The fear of my own weakness,

And the reality of the fall.

I will live with

Faith,

Courage,

Perseverance,

And hope.

And when danger comes,

And it will,

I will whisper to

My weakening heart,

“Emmanuel is your shelter;

You are safe.”  

No Chemo #4

February 26, 2019

This entry will might take your breath away. You might feel sick after reading it. You might be emotional, asking lots of WHY questions. You might be depressed or your heart may feel heavy. Anxiety might overcome you. You may feel sad. Perhaps this news will feel like it’s sucking the life out of you…

Cherie has decided not to continue with chemotherapy.

What you may be feeling now are some of the very symptoms Cherie has been feeling since her chemotherapy started, but especially these past 2 weeks. She feels as if the chemo is sucking life out of her. She has experienced numerous side effects, such as those listed above, since the 3^rd treatment. Tomorrow would be chemo treatment #4. Cherie has decided against it.

Today we met with Dr. Brooks, Cherie’s oncologist. My mom, dad, Cherie and I were there together. Dr. Brooks listened as Cherie shared her heartfelt desire: She does not want to experience any more of these horrible side effects. Her desire is to live out the rest of her days, months, or years with the quality of life that she enjoys rather than dreads. Now you are probably overwhelmed with emotion, and understandably so but, you see, none of us are in Cherie’s shoes. None of us has experienced exactly what Cherie has thus far, not one of us. We must rest in the fact that the Lord has become Cherie’s stronghold, her rock of refuge.

So the plan is this: Cherie will receive a PET scan or CT scan late next week (depending on which one insurance will cover). Dr. Brooks will discuss the findings with us a few days after that and we will discuss any options that he suggests. He did tell Cherie today that he will continue to suggest treatment, but he also shared that what she has decided is not a crazy idea. The goal now is to help her live with the best quality of life possible. He is honoring her desire and has agreed to give supportive care as she goes down this road.

I pray for you, the reader, as I assume you are a friend of my sister. Your heart is probably heavy. As I see this play out I acknowledge that no one knows what this is going to look like other than the Maker of heaven and earth. We will take each day as it comes. Cherie will continue to go to see Dr. Brooks regularly. New decisions may be made. A new diagnosis may come about, but please know that, for now, Cherie is at peace with her decision. I want what she wants, even if my mind and soul ache for the opposite at times. There will be difficult days ahead with possible weight loss and nutrition issues, as well as possible pain, but we can’t predict these things. Our comfort comes from above, trusting that God is faithful and He will complete His work until the very end.

Please continue to pray. I am still coming up with a list of requests so that you may know how to pray. For now, I pray that you will find comfort in the Lord. All of our days are numbered. Cherie may have more days on this earth than any of us!

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,

Kristi Lynn

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact me at kkinney44@hotmail.com

Chemo Treatment #3

February 12, 2019

Tomorrow will be Cherie's third chemo treatment, provided her cell count isn't too low. The white blood cell count was low last time, but they were able to decrease the amount of a particular chemical so they could still administer treatment. We will see what happens with tomorrow. They may give her a white blood cell shot or decide that her body isn't ready for tomorrow's treatment and may need more time to recover.

You can pray for her body to be strong enough, with the counts high enough, to be able to have treatment tomorrow. If not, we are still at peace with the fact that her oncologist is keeping a close eye on what is going on with her body.

Chemo Treatment #2

Feb. 1, 2019


Cherie completed chemo treatment #2 this past Wednesday, January 30th... now there's 10 more to go! I went down to Tucson and sat by her side. We went in at 9am and walked out at 2:15pm.  Not all of that was the treatment. There was a lot of prep and some chatter in between. The total time she was hooked up to the chemicals was about 2 1/2 hours. There was a strong one they still couldn't give her, which is pretty much the backbone to really kick everything up a few notches. There had not been enough time between the surgery for the port and being able to administer this 4th chemical. Next time, it will be part of the regiment and I think we will see a definite difference in the treatment effects.

This second time her white blood cell count was a little low, so they adjusted for it, cutting back on the amount of the drug that causes the count to be low. Hopefully it won't be too much of an issue for the next treatment.

Cherie's days are still pretty active. She is still having more good days than bad days and the bad ones seem to still be pretty bearable. She still attends meetings, meets others for coffee, exercises on the mini trampoline, eats throughout the day, and more. She does try to catch a nap when she needs one. Sometimes her stomach is upset, but no real nausea so far, which is an answer to prayer! Most people that are not familiar with cancer may think that Cherie is laying in bed all day, due to loss of energy...to the contrary so far! The first 2 days after chemo have been filled with extra energy due to the steroids administered during treatment. This has been for both treatments so far. She is still eating well. Even though she feels full most of the time, my mom stays on her and she is able to eat more, here and there. She is still tracking her food intake to make sure she is getting the nutrients she needs. Cherie still gets lots of visitors and goes to lots of doctor appointments. We can praise God that there are only a few bad days so far!

Continue to pray for her. As the chemo treatments build up in her body, she will experience more side effects. Pray that this will be at the minimum. She is experiencing some issues with mouth sores, as was expected, but the doctors are always quick to help out with anything that will make her more comfortable. And those that have experienced cancer in their lives one way or another have also offered great remedies for dealing with side effects like mouth sores.

If you check the blog and there is no update, you can assume that things are going as expected for Cherie. You can assume that she is having more good days than bad ones. You can also visit the Caring Bridge website to see pictures and other writings. Look for cheriegraytucson on that website.

I will update again when there is anything different to report. Thank you all for your love towards my family in Tucson. Please also continue to pray for my family in Phoenix!